This past weekend, D was away in Missouri, helping investigate the horrible duck boat accident.

It was just me and the kiddos, which was fine, and we are SO glad our guy is doing amazing things to service the USofA when tragic things happen, but at the same time, me, home alone, with small kiddos, for longer than one day, can make me a little batty!

So when I was getting out of the shower (the only time I get alone time!) C came in and was crying because L hit her because he was angry that she wouldn't play on "friends" mode with him on Minecraft.

Yes...I let them play on their iPads so I can get a break for a moment...ya know, like take a shower in peace!

The iPad is a lifesaver when I need to get a few minutes of calm in my busy mama life.

That is...until the fighting starts. Ha!

Because I don't tolerate "hitting" I grabbed BOTH iPads and told them...

"NO MORE!!"

"YOU'RE DONE!!"

"NO MORE IPADS FOR...FOREVER!!!"

Yep....I lost it and then they lost it as well...well, mainly, C said, "WHAT!????? FOREVER!!!"

And I said, "YEP!!! FOREVER!!"

Then L lost it...."WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" as loud as he could while trying to climb up Ds closet to get his iPad that I had placed on the top shelf so his little hands couldn't reach it.

I know...I know...I'm such a mean mommy!!

He finally calmed and I finally calmed, but man, those moments, like always, frazzle me like no other!

So after we got through L's "NOW I HAVE NOTHING TO DO!!!!!!!" yelling out loud thoughts, I suggested they paint, because one, it calms them and two, they LOVE it and three, it's been WAY TOO LONG since they've done it and from what I just experienced, we were ALL in need of some "calm mind" painting.

Because I knew I needed to paint to, I set them all up and then I went to my bedroom to paint some of my uplifting word doodles (it's SO nice that because they're not so little anymore, I can just set them up and then go do my thing!) that I've had done for weeks now and are major need of some paint on them (because, yeah, being home with the kiddos all summer doesn't leave much time for me to create as I'd like!).

I got my watercolors out, filled my vase with water and then I went out to where they were so I could get some paper towels and then I looked over at them and saw this.

I immediately thought, "Oh gosh...I need to take a picture!"

Which was strange to me, because they painted a few days before this and I saw them, and I did think about taking a picture, but, just like I spoke about before here, I thought, "Nah...I really don't feel like snapping them right now."

And I didn't.

But this time, something deep inside me said, "GO GRAB YOUR iPHONE and take their picture because you're loving what you're seeing right now...like REALLY loving it!!!"

When I took the picture and saw it on the iPhone, something else shifted in me.

I love my iPhone for helping me snap moments that fill me with LOVE because I don't have to think much about the settings and I don't have to import the photo into photoshop.

I can edit it real quick on my phone.

But when I looked at the picture on iPhone, something even deeper pulled at me, and I said, "This does NOT look like how I'm seeing this moment!! I gotta go get my DSLR! I want these pictures to look EXACTLY how I'm seeing it!!"

And, OH MY GOSH, I'm SO GLAD I did!!

At first I was pretty rusty with my settings. So I thought I'd just get a few while I figure out the settings.

The more I looked at the moment, fixed my settings and snapped, the more I was shifting into a smile all while still feeling the heaviness of the funk that I had been feeling from all the fighting and crying beforehand.

And because of that funk I was still feeling I told myself I was only going to snap this moment and then I'd go back to my room and do MY THING!

But once I got my settings right, and the more I looked at what I was seeing, I started to get VERY, VERY, excited to snap more!

I was starting to FEEL the JOY feeling that I always FEEL when I start to get in my flow of being present for moments that I love from behind the camera.

As I got in closer and focused even more on their creations my happy energy BLOOMED!

Seeing the paint on his brush and then place it on his beautiful, colorful creation...I couldn't help but snap and SMILE!!

I always love love LOVE what comes through them!

And I always love love LOVE how all the color is SO uplifting, too!

No matter where it is; on the paper, on the plate, on the paper towel or on the table cover. :)

Then he started explaining to me everything he had painted.

And then my real inner shifts began!!

I thought to myself...

"See...if I had gone back to my room, I would have missed all of this. This is how I used to be. Right here, with them, snapping and BEing right in the moment with them. Not concerned about anything else. Only the JOY that I'm seeing and FEELing in this moment. Even though I want and CRAVE my alone time...going away would have had me miss this moment of them, creating something from start to finish!"

And, to be honest, I've disconnected SO much with being 100% present with them. Even when they do show me creations they've made.

My mind has felt like mama mush for quite some time now (I blame it on how parenting can feel like Ground Hog Day sometimes!).

So when they show me things, I find myself kinda looking at it. And while they're telling me all about it, I'm looking, but my mind really isn't listening, even though I'm saying, "Yeah...Yeah...I love it!"

SOOO NOT GOOD!! AND SO WHO I DIDN'T WANT TO BE AS A MOM!!

But this!! This moment!! Since I was 100% focused, thanks to my camera, I was reconnected back to how I used to be and how I want to be!!

Not only did I give him my FULL ATTENTION while he was explaining to me what he had finished creating but I also gave him my FULL ATTENTION while he was creating it from start to finish!!

Yes, I'm taking pictures, which some say, doesn't have you fully present in the moment because you're behind the lens.

But, for me, my camera shows me the full meaning of what BEing PRESENT truly means.

Yes, I'm behind the lens, but the more I look, snap, look, snap, snap, look...the more I'm pulled out of the funk in my head and the more I'm 100% focused on the JOY feeling that the present moment is bringing me.

And nothing else!!

The mush in my mind washes away and the LOVE for what I'm seeing SHINES through!!

And not only am I feeling UPlifted, but my kids are too! Because one, they can FEEL my JOY and two, they are SO happy that I'm 100% focused on them and not on my phone, not on the dishes and not on me trying to figure out how I can sneak away for some alone time away from them.

So..yes...BIG SHIFTS were happening for me!! Woohoo!!

Then L left and it was just her and I.

Something that rarely happens anymore and something that causes her to get very, very upset about a lot.

"You're always with Luca. He takes you away from me. You're never with me anymore!" Which isn't true, but I know, it's hard when I have two littles to tend to...especially when lil' bro is a lot more needy than she is now.

As I watched her and snapped her, I was reminded of how long it's been since we've done this together.

Just her and I!

Her painting and me snapping and me being 100% focused on her!!

It warmed my heart thinking about all those times together but at the same time, it made my heart ache because I've stopped doing this.

She's right...I don't spend as much time with her as I used to and I miss it. I have lots of guilt that I can't give her that 100% focus that I used to give her.

But this moment, with my camera in hand, gave us a moment, where I was 100% focused on HER and only HER, because lil' bro was in off in his room doing who knows what! ;)

At first, I was bummed that lil' bro wasn't out at the table with her, because I really wanted to snap both of them together while they created.

But the more I reconnected with our moments like this together, the more I was loving that it was just her and I, with my camera in hand and only the sound of Kidz Bop playing in the background.

It was the most calming moment ever, and because of that, it made me realize how much I miss doing this with her (and him!)

I also realized that I've fallen into the exhausted mommy trap.

Because, yes, having two of them, older now and in school full-time, taking them to after-school-activities, entertaining them all summer and trying to keep their sibling fighting to a minimum, has exhausted me.

But it's not just summer...it's all year long. I feel like it's non-stop and there's never a time to just chill out and relax until they go to bed. And I feel like I'll never, ever be able to chill out and relax until they move out and become parents themselves.

And because of that, I've allowed the exhaustion to take over. And instead of pulling myself out of it (with the help of my camera!), I decide to retreat to my bedroom so I can be by myself so I can mainly "get away from all the noise!"

This introverted mama NEEDS quiet time to rejuvenate and replenish her energy to tackle the noise the world and all he adult responsibilities that come with it!! :):)

Since I didn't retreat this time to my room and I finally listened to my soul to pull out my BIG camera instead (its been LOUDLY telling me to do this for quite some time now), the noise in my mind quieted and my JOY ignited!

And not only did I get to focus on my boy, but I also got some major time in to focus on my girl.

And even though she's not so little anymore, there's still SO much to SAVOR at her almost nine years of age. It's SO neat to see how much she's grown in this way.

She's blossomed SO much with how she creates. And, I've kinda been missing it.

They way she adds details now, melts my heart!

And sure, I could have looked at her end product with JOY while still going to my room and doing MY thing.

But it was SO much more powerful and meaningful to BE in the moment, watching her details after details come through.

It nourished my soul, like it always used to do, but have completely lost touch with.

Then I went to check on lil' bro because I saw him bringing all his paints into his room.

I was worried he was painting in his room and getting it everywhere!! My mind is still on toddler time!

But, instead, I caught him placing all his paints on his desk in the neatest and most detailed way and I couldn't help but smile. Especially when he turned around and flashed me his smile when he saw me looking at what he was doing. Ha!

He's one happy painter!! :)

I told him he could only paint on the kitchen table, he said he knew, but he wanted to just keep them on his desk.

I mean, how could I say no? I always love moments like this when they place their toys in a certain, detailed way somehwere in the house. The best!

When he knew I was snapping him, he wanted me to capture the paints all by themselves.

"NO, Mommy!! Not with me in the picture, just the paints!!"

"OK! OK! I can do that!! No problem kiddo!" :)

When I came back out, C was starting to mix colors together to make a new color.

As I watched her swirl away, I was reminded of how when I do this, it's always oh, so calming.

But as I sat and watched her, I could feel the calm start to flow within me, even though I wasn't the one doing the swirling.

Swirling and playing with color in this way, with no thought, just motion, is the ultimate mind calmer. But, for C, she said it reminded her so much of slime. Which, even though slime drives me crazy and is so messy...I know, deep down, it is a stress reliever because it's so hands-on...just like painting!

Then she added her newly mixed color into her creation.

And her masterpiece was done. Beautiful!!

It's amazing what a little bit of paint and a blank sheet of paper (or a blank paper plate!) can do. No need to be taught. No need to look at something because you don't know how to draw. When the mind is calm...creativity flows!!

L came out and he saw C had mixed her paint color to make an aqua blue (his favorite color!!)

So he had to do it, too! :):)

Which I was so happy about! Even though he had left and I was having some amazing, calm moments with C, I still wished I was snapping them together. So when he came back out, I was thrilled!

But, soon, I realized that all of this worked out perfectly because even though I wanted them creating together and they didn't, I was able to give each of them my, 100%, full attention, that they deserved. No other sibling got mad that I was more focused on the other and there wasn't one sound of a sibling fight at all.

It turned out to be the most relaxing moments we've had together in awhile!

Those little hands!!

Which, honestly, have been driving me nuts lately, because we are still working on him using his words, instead of his hands, when he gets angry.

He had to make sure he got every single color as his sister.

And he worked oh, so hard at it! :)

Again...his little hands!!

Making me smile like they used to! And showing me that I've been way too focused on how they've been hitting instead of oh, so loving! :)

And the (calming!) swirling begins!

Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!

All done!

And ready to show big sis! :)

And one last little savor of his teeny tiny cutest for me!

Because, like they say, it goes by so fast!!
Oh yes! Yes..yes it does!

Oh, my camera!!

Not only did it bring me back into the present moment so I could do something I haven't done in a very, VERY, long time (like give my kiddos my FULL attention for longer than a second, because, yeah, I've totally been saying, yeah...yeah, while half looking at them and pretending to pay attention...I blame exhausted mommy mind on that one!), but it also pulled me out my funk so I could hear the soul-nourishing whispers of my heart and soul.

I thought going back to my room to be alone was going to replenish me for a bit, because, in my mind, I've always thought, as a busy mom, the one thing I truly NEED is alone time to melt away the funk that can stay with me for a lot longer than I'd like.

When really, I can still soothe and ignite the JOY of my soul, with my kiddos right there with me.

Something I've been struggling to do for so long! So I'd give up and just say, I only need alone time to recharge!! Just give me some alone time!!

I see now, that my soul was shouting out to me as loud as it could because it knew that going to be alone wasn't going to replenish me after the morning I just had.

It knew that I needed my camera instead. It knew that once I got in my flow from behind the camera, not only would my JOY ignite, but my soul soothing vibes would ignite as well.

Because once I did get in my flow, and once I was 100% focused on my kiddos in their creative soul flow (and not my funk!! and how sometimes I really hate being a mom!! and how I'm so in need a break from it all!!), everything would calm around me AND calm inside of me.

It was like the tornado life I live came to a stop and everything was quiet and still all around me and within me all while my insides were jumping for JOY!!

It felt like a moving meditation that not only calmed my mind and melted my funk away but also allowed me to connect one-on-one with each child at the most perfect time.

Something I truly miss doing..especially with C since L does get most of the time these days.

And most of all, I realized that I needed this so very badly because my soul had a message that its been trying to get me to connect with for YEARS!!

A message I've known, but have been over-analyzing instead.

I've always felt like I need just pick ONE thing to do that brings me JOY. One thing that I need to feel calm. And to ONLY do that one thing...forget the rest!!

Because, yeah, my mama time is very, very limited...so I really don't even have the time sit and figure out which one to choose. Having only ONE thing will make my life SO much easier!!

Like, why can't I just do photography, when I know it brings me SO much JOY!?! Why do I also feel this need to paint, to meditate, to do yoga, to doodle, to read romance novels, to ride my bike and so much more all at the same time?

Why can't I be like everyone else and just choose one JOYous thing to do when my mama time opens up?

Because in my mind that's what I THINK is happening for everyone else...but not for me!

Because having all these things in my head that I know will nourish me, and that I know will make me FEEL GOOD, feels chaotic because I wish I could I just choose one thing, instead of having all these things that I'm trying to choose from.

I'd tell myself...A LOT!! Having just ONE thing would feel calm!! Having SO many things does NOT!!!

Well, what I realized the most after these moments with my camera and with my kids is that what I thought I needed, wasn't what I needed at all.

When I felt that inner spark light up within me to go grab my camera, I went!

But the other day, when I had a thought to grab my camera to snap my kiddos when I passed by them having a sweet painting moment together, I had no inner spark at all inside to do it. And I didn't.

So what I saw...what I heard...what I connected with the most, was that when I'm a funk...

And, by the way...it took this major funk for me to feel this...because I was done!! I was done with the exhaustion!! I was done with the fighting!! I was done with feeling the LOW-LEVEL feelings that come when I'm dealing with the not, so fun feelings of parenthood! So I was READY to FEEL GOOD!! I WAS READY!!!! And this always tends to go this way toward the end of summer break...I start to get to my breaking point of exhaustion and it was this exhaustion that led me to hear the nourishing words of my soul...and that's the beauty of exhaustion...because it feels awful, it pushes me toward things that will lift the exhaustion and back to my heart

and something inside of me is telling me to do something that would nourish my soul and something inside of my lights up and then I say, "YES!!!"..... I DO IT!!

And that soul nourishing thing that is calling out to me might not be the same, ONE thing, every single day. It might not be the same for days, weeks, months or years. And that's OK!!!!

My soul doesn't always need the same thing, over and over again, to feel nourished, to feel soothed, to feel alive and to feel JOYous!! Just like with food...my body doesn't need the same exact food, all day, every day, to feel nourished. It needs SO many things to feel nourished, soothed, alive and JOYous!

When here I thought, it did.

Like, OK! I love photography, I should take pictures every single day, as much as I can, because this will bring me JOY!! And, yes, I did that in the past and I got burnt out!! So I've been afraid to pick up my camera again in this way because I'm afraid of burning myself out again.
Or...OK!! I love mediating!! It's so comforting!! So soothing!! So calming!! I have to do it every day!!!
And yoga...OK!! I love how it makes me feel!!! It feels SO good!! I have to do it every single day!!!
And doodling...OK!! I love it!! I love how tracing the words calm me and I LOVE how adding watercolor EXCITES me with JOY!! I have to do it every single day!!
And doodle painting!! OK!! I love it!! I love how it easily calms my mind and connects me back to ME!!! Something that's hard to do as a mom...I have to do it every day!!!
And, walking on the treadmill...I love it!! It feels SO good!! I have to do it every day!!!
And BEING ALONE!!! OHHHH!! BEING ALONE!! I love it! I crave it! I need the stillness of it!! No one needs me!! I get a break!! I can think straight!! I can connect to my soul and who I am. And the noise of the world...oh, the noise of the world...it melts away!! So THIS!! THIS IS what I need most of all...more than anything else!!

So since I've connected with so many things that CALM me (not just ONE!), I tend to exhaust myself even more because I can't figure out which one to do...and since I can't figure out which one to do...I tend to feel even lower because I don't have any ALONE time to figure it out...especially when my alone time is SO limited during these summer days!!

So since I don't have any alone time, when my kids are content doing something, I'll immediately retreat back to my bedroom, sit on my comfy rocking chair and chill out and, I'm not gonna lie here...scroll my phone!

SO NOT SOUL NOURISHING AT ALL!!

So when I finished snapping and savoring my kiddos from behind the lens, I saw that it's OK to do different things to soothe my soul and ignite my joy...even if the kids are a part of it!

And my soul is the only one who knows what is the best choice to soothe my soul and ignite my JOY that day.

So if I have a thought out of nowhere to get my camera, sit in my rocking chair in my room, get my paints out, doodle an uplifting word, walk on the treadmill, do yoga, meditate, watch TV, cook a meal, bake cupcakes, call an uplifting friend and something inside of me sparks with delight...that's a sign that YES!! This will soothe me!! THIS will nourish me!! THIS will rejuvenate me!! THIS will ignite me!! THIS will destress me!! THIS will fill me with JOY!! THIS WILL FEEL GOOD!!!!
And if I have the thought, "Nah...I really don't feel like doing that!" with very low-level energy coming through behind it...no sparks, no upliftment, no sign of joy or motivation...then it's NOT the right thing at that moment.
So it's OK if I don't want to take pictures every day, it's OK if I don't want to cook, play with my kids, write, talk, sit in my rocker, exercise, meditate or do yoga when I think it would be best for me, but my insides are like..."NOPE!!! Don't wanna!!"...at that moment.
But if they're like "YEAH!" real quick, even though the funk is still there and feels oh, so heavy!! That's my soul shining through...it's my soul talking to me...so it's a must that I listen!!

I'm SO glad I listened. Because if I didn't...

I wouldn't have connected to my JOY without interruption.
I wouldn't have connected with how much I used to LOVE watching my kiddos start a creative project from start to finish.
I would have walked away to try and paint alone in my room, but probably would've just sat in my comfy rocker and scrolled my phone instead.
I would have continued to focus on how their fighting brings me down and pulls all my energy out of me.
I would have missed what matters most to my heart....their inner, creative self-blossoming BIG TIME and me BEing PRESENT for it all!
I would have started to paint my uplifting word doodle...ALONE, but a second later, they would have come in and shown me what they were doing SO many times OR they would have yelled out to me SO many times for me to come to see what they were doing OR they would have come in crying to me because one was being mean to other and I would have gotten annoyed because I just NEED a minute to myself so I think straight!

And...

I would have missed some special mama-daughter time (and son-mama time!) that was very much needed for us all.

So in the end, not only was I fully present for my kiddos, but I was reminded, yet again, how much JOY my camera brings me AND I was connected even more to MY SOUL and what it truly needs and how to listen to it!!

WOW!! WOW!! WOW!!

All of that when I thought I was just going to snap them real quick and then go back to my room and be alone!!

Thank you, soul!!

I'm hearing you now!! FINALLY!!!

So if an excited spark ignites within when I hear a thought to do something I love (like take a picture!!)...DO IT!!
And if I hear a thought, "I should get my camera and take a picture. I know doing that will bring me joy. I know it will pull me out of my funk, but ugh, I don't feel like doing it all and I just want to go sit down and be alone for a bit, in my bedroom, on my chair...which sounds SOOOOO much better! Ahhhhhh!!" then that's what I'll do!!!!

I've known this for quite some time, but I see now, it was time for a kick in the pants to get me to REALLY know it!

I see now that I just couldn't get it and I just couldn't let go of, "I just need to do ONE thing that brings me JOY...ONE thing!! NOT 50 things!!"

When, really, it's ONE of the 50 things, that my soul gets to choose for me because it knows that will be the BEST soul nourishment for ME, at that time, in my crazy, busy mama life, that is causing me to feel STRESSED OUT!! Ha!

WOW!! Talk about being so wrapped up in my head and SO disconnected from my heart.

Oh, gosh!! I know those were a lot of thoughts, but I just had to share!! :)

I love how no matter how much stress continues to fill my life as I grow older (especially as my kids grow older!), it's the stress that has pulled me closer and closer to my inner growth, my inner self and who I'm meant to be in this world.

If I didn't have the feeling that the exhaustion and the stress bring me, I'd never know what truly nourishes my soul and makes me ME!

Because, what I know for sure, I know more about myself and who I am and what I love way more than I ever did before becoming an overwhelmed, frazzled and very STRESSED OUT mom!!

It's the STRESS that has made me run, not walk, toward what my heart and soul CRAVES...to what soothes it...to what ignites it with JOY!

It's the STRESS that connected me, more than ever, to WHO I AM and what I LOVE!

And that is...someone who LOVES to slow down and SAVOR life!

Thank you, my kiddos, for choosing me to be your mom (and stressing me out!! Ha!)...it's because of YOU (and all the stress you bring me! ha!) that I've found my inner CALM...my inner JOY...my inner LOVE...than I ever have before (you!)!!

Until next time...

See something that makes you stop and smile. Grab your camera!! It'll slow you down, pull you into the present moment even more and have you SAVORing your JOY feeling even more!! And most of all, it'll connect you to your soul so you can SEE and HEAR the things that you may have passed by (like your kids creating something from start to finish!). The camera...it's powerful...especially when it comes to FEELING JOY and BEing more PRESENT! :)

That's WHY I take pictures!! The camera is one of my favorite creative tools that easily pulls me out of my frazzled + overwhelmed mama head so I can fully SAVOR (the feeling of) everything that makes me stop, smile and lights me UP with LOVE (something that's hard for me to do when my mind is running five miles ahead or behind the present moment)