Last week, I sat down to paint.

I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to paint, so, like always, I started by painting over all of the white with a color that FEELS GOOD to me in that moment.

Every time I do this, slowly, an idea of what would FEEL GOOD to paint flows through to me.

On this day, I felt like painting the word 'love' just like I do with my super sharpie marker in my art journal.

While the paint over the white was drying, I decided to try some of my new art materials I purchased a few weeks that I happened to see another creative using on her Instagram (I can't remember who it was for the life of me!).

I was inspired to start coloring smaller pieces of paper a day to get my inner calm and creative juices flowing again from her.

But, once I did it, I didn't really feel good at all. It was fun, but it just didn't give me that feel good feeling I get when I do my own creative activities.

Then I decided to play with my new gouache watercolor set I just bought. It's the first time I've ever tried them.

They were fun, but yet again, I found myself craving my uplifting word doodles and using what I always use to add color in...my Koi watercolor set.

So I stopped what I was doing and went back to my painting.

As I started painting the word, love, my thoughts, my left brain thoughts, that is, were going bonkers, telling me that this type of painting wasn't going to last long and because of that it won't give me those AMAZING, creative and CALMing benefits that I always get when I paint something that lasts longer.

But, the more I continued to paint over the word, love, the more I thought of ideas of how I could fix that situation.

I thought to myself, "Just do what I do with the kids when they paint! Instead of just painting one painting in my art journal, just use the loose leaf painting paper I buy the kids and then do what they do...paint something and then put it to the side to dry....paint something else and then put it to the side and painting something else, and so on and so on. I could end up with four paintings or ten! It doesn't matter...just as long as I keep painting till I FEEL GOOD!"

OMG!

GENIUS!!

HOW HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE!?

Thanks, right brain!

But, before I got up to go find loose leaf painting paper to use, my left brain started to calm and my right brain started to blossom through.

I started feeling that excitement I get when I begin to add more paint. And, soon, I found myself painting over and over just like I do with my super sharpie here...

Which ALWAYS feels SO good!!

The next thing I knew, I was creating my uplifting word doodle with my paints and was having a blast doing it!

I started bubbling the word, adding dots (my favorite!!) and then, even the curlie-cue's on the outside! Woohooo!!

I realized that this painting actually wasn't a quick one at all. And that it was actually VERY beneficial to helping me get my inner creative CALM on. Good grief, left brain!

It was perfect and aligned beautifully with the reason WHY I paint like this.

Not to make something beautiful and perfect.

Not to become a professional artist.

Not to sell it.

Not to hang up in an art gallery or even on the walls of my house.

ONLY to help calm the stress of my mind and FEEL more JOYful and present in life. Just like meditation and yoga help me, but waaay better!

So, once I was done, I looked down at what I created, and I FELT amazing!!

I was smiling BIG and my stress was GONE! Woohooo!!

But, here's the best part of all.

After I was done, I wrote down an amazing message that came through to me while I was giving my over-analytical, left brain, a much-needed break with this EASY right brain activity.

A few minutes after I had my major breakthrough on how to make my painting time last a little bit longer by painting on the same paper I give my kids, I realized that when I tried to color the small paper and when I started trying the new gouache watercolors, both of those ideas weren't mine.

You see, I tend to scroll Instagram a whole lot. I probably spend more time on there, looking at other people's creative work, than I do doing my own creative work.

And because of that, I see things that inspire me and have me wanting to try, which isn't a bad thing at all.

But, for me, I realized, that every time I get inspired by someone else's work, work that I feel is way better than mine, work that I think will help me find more of what I'm here to do, I end up trying it, but then something inside me never feels right.

I feel very tight and constricted and not good at all.

But, I never really stop to think about it on a much deeper level. I just quit and move on.

But, not on this day!!

As soon as I felt that tightness, that constricted feeling, not only did I immediately stop, but I also heard a voice inside me, speaking VERY LOUDLY, on how much I truly CRAVED what I LOVE to create and how I wanted to ONLY do just that!

My toddler looking doodle paintings, my uplifting word doodles with watercolor added to them and taking pictures of moments that make me stop and smile and fill me with HAPPY tingles from head to toe.

I realized that THIS has been inside of me for years now and it hasn't left, even when it's been months since I've connected with it.

But, because I've spent years...and, I'm talking YEARS!!!...trying to figure out my path...my purpose...what I'm here to do...what I truly LOVE and LIGHTS me UP with JOY...I haven't trusted that I've actually found it because I've been on autopilot continuing the search.

And because of that, I've spent years thinking, "OH!! THIS IS IT!! I've FINALLY found my path...

Thinking I wanted to be a writer and got my Journalism degree, then not liking it and then becoming an elementary school teacher and being the most stressed out I've ever been and left to become a Holistic Health Coach to then shifting again and reconnecting with my love for photography to then falling in love using creativity to easily calm my mind and ignite my joy and savor life.

I realized that because I've been "stuck" in the search...I haven't been able to SEE that I've already found it...or, really, IT found ME!

The night before I painted this, I had the same conversation I've had over and over again with D about how I still feel SO stuck with what I'm here to do while being a mother.

I've been struggling so much with wanting to go back to be an elementary school teacher (the stress keeps me away!), to being a teacher assistant, to being a blogger, to being a photographer, to finding something that I don't even know yet and so on and so on.

For years, I've felt like I'd NEVER figure this out.

That I'll be 90 and I'll be SO mad at myself because I spent my entire life trying to figure out what I'm here to do.

But then I did this painting and all of the stuckness FINALLY melted away.

I FINALLY heard myself speak and I FINALLY listened!! Because this isn't the first time I've heard this message!

That it's time to BELIEVE in myself...my creative work...and that my creative work IS exactly what I'm supposed to BE doing RIGHT NOW, in this very moment.

That RIGHT NOW, I don't have search anymore for "what brings me joy" or "I wish I could create something every day like all the creatives I see on social media every day!"

Because I've already found it!

And it's NEVER, EVER left me after all these years and it had every opportunity to do so.

So right now, all I have to do is MY creative and trust in ME...believe in ME!...because this IS the ONLY creative work I crave RIGHT NOW!

My searching IS over!!

And even though I heard this message loud and clear, I also heard this one, too.

Just because my search is over right now, it doesn't mean I'll never get inspired again, because when I look back at everything I've created, I know, that when I'm ready to create something new, it will come through me.

I don't need to go searching for new inspiration. It will come to me at just the right time.

Like it did with my uplifting word doodles.

When I first starting to create them, I didn't even do an uplifting word...only curly-cues, because THIS is what FEEL oh, so good and oh, so CALMing at the time.

Then, out of nowhere, I felt like adding an uplifting word in.

Then, out of the blue again, I felt an urge to drop the curly-cues (because at that time they felt more chaotic then calming), and only do the word and the dots.

And then, again, I had an inner craving to clear even more away and only do the word and add color to it.

I still do every kind of doodle I showed, but instead of just doing one type, I'm now connected to many ways of doing that FEELS GOOD to ME! The more I create, the more inner cravings to switch things up come to me. It's powerful stuff, my friends! Powerful stuff!

Now, I'm not trying to bash other peoples work and I'm not saying to never look at someone else's work and only do your own.

What I AM saying is that I was being inspired, but I was allowing my own comparison, self-doubt, self-judgmental and my-work-isn't-good-enough-or-as-good-as-others thoughts to take control of me.

And because of that, all I would say over and over again to myself was, "Yeah...I suck!! So why even try to create anything when it looks like scribbles and very kid-like and won't ever become a professional business or something anyone would be interested in?"

And even though I did get inspired to try their creative activities and creative tools they use, I realized that it was causing me to lose my way...to disconnect to what I love to do...to what I love to create and most of all, to NOT trust myself that what I create IS the way for ME and that I MUST stick to it.

I absolutely LOVE seeing all the creative work out there...but, I realized, that the only way I can look for inspiration is ONLY if I'm giving my own creative inspiration the much needed time it deserves.

I started my 'love' painting with lots of negative thoughts and I ended it with a brand new connection to myself and motivation to do my own creative work than ever before!

I feel like I finally took one of the hardest bricks off my back that has felt like would never come off. The brick that wasn't allowing me to SEE that I don't have to search for what my passion, my purpose and my joy is anymore.

I realized that I already create something that makes me feel JOYfully ALIVE.

That I already create something that LIGHTS me UP with JOY and uplifts me like no other and that this IS me and that it's time to trust it!!

And that it's time to stop looking because, yeah, I've FINALLY found myself! Which, honestly, feels very foreign to me, because my entire life, I've struggled with what I'm here to do. I've always been on the search. So this is AMAZING for me to FINALLY connect with it and SEE it and FEEL it!

Thank you right brain...thank you 'love' painting...I couldn't have done this without you!

I'm SO glad I haven't lost my connection to just how important it is for me to continue to paint through all those crazy, negative thoughts that show up when I first sit down to CREATE!

Because every time they show up, I so want to stop what I'm doing, but, deep down, I know that once I get through the negative, SO much positive will SHINE through.

Because every single time I'm ABSOLUTELY AMAZED at all the amazing, positive messages that come through and help me connect more with who I am and what I love and what I'm here to do.

It's just like meditation...once the mind calms (the left brain this is!), everything calms and you connect back to yourself and who you are and what your here to do.

There's a lot of noise out there, which it makes it even a lot harder to stay connected to ME!

So, gosh, painting like this...like a kid...I'm SO glad I reconnected with it, because it is the easiest way for me to connect (and stay connected!) to myself (and trust myself!) when my BUSY MAMA mind (hello, left brain!) is flying all over the place and never, ever gets a chance to rest.

MINDLESS CREATIVITY...YOU ROCK!!

Until next time...

Why do I doodle paint? Because it easily calms my over-analytical and worrisome left side of my brain and pulls me more into my calming, everything is going to be OK, right side of my brain so I can FEEL more balanced and BE more of the calm, happy and present mom that I'm meant to BE (something that's hard to do when my mind is running five miles ahead or behind the present moment)