Savoring | A Fresh + Wilted Message I Needed To Hear
My hubs had white roses delivered for me last Saturday for Mother’s Day!
I have to say…we kind of hit road bumps when it comes to him getting me flowers.
Well, really…it’s me who hits the roadblocks when it comes to him buying me flowers…it really has nothing to do with him!
My feelings change ALL the time when it comes to what kind of flowers I want (I blame it on being a stressed-out mom! Ha!) and because of that, I usually LOVE to buy my own flowers when I see some at the store that spark a JOY feeling inside of me when I stop to look at what’s available (instead of waiting for him to buy me some).
But, these days, I really LOVE simple…just a bouquet of flowers without anything added to them…like leaves and baby’s breath.
I love to take them out of the wrapping they’re in, cut the stems, take off all the leaves on the stems, and then place them in my own mason jars.
I don’t like the big vases either!
So, yeah…I’m picky and I’m SO thankful that my husband still LOVES me…because there’s been many times that he’s bought me flowers and I saw flaws in them because it wasn’t what I 100% like or wanted and then I’d feel upset and sad and mad that “he doesn’t know what I like!!”
SO NOT GOOD!!!
So when these flowers showed up, he told me right away that they’re just the bouquet this time…no vase…no added leaves or carnations or baby’s breath and that they were from The Bouqs (a website I showed him years ago that we haven’t looked at in years, too!).
He made me smile because after all these years (16 years!) of being married I feel like he finally heard my flower thoughts AND that he actually remembered a place that I used to love getting flowers from…he put some major thought into! LOVE!!
He was SO happy that he got it right this time! He even said, “I did good this time!” and I said, “Yes…yes, you did!”
But…I didn’t say this, out loud to him…only in my head…that I had wished they were pink!
OH MY GOSH…what is wrong with me!? I’m a mess and I don’t deserve flowers!
I think I’m just SO used to walking in the grocery store every week and seeing flowers and picking out something on my own that is calling out JOY and LOVE to me in that moment has me thinking that I would have picked them out better…because it’s different for me every time..and really, how is he supposed to know when I’m always changing what I want.
And when I started thinking about Mother’s Day flowers once these arrived …
I actually wasn’t expecting to get any since I was pretty horrible the last time I got flowers from him and I actually started just preferring him to NOT get me flowers because it just sends me into a downward, negative spiral and I don’t want to be mean and critical anymore.
I started to think about how I would have asked for pink flowers, if I knew I was going to be getting some, because, to me, pink represents Mother’s Day…not white!
All I could think about inside was how white felt more like Christmas…or how they would have so much been better if they were mixed with color.
AGAIN!! WHAT THE F IS WRONG ME!?! WHY AREN’T I JUST GRATEFUL HE PUT THOUGHT INTO ME!? SO NOT GOOD!!
But, thankfully, this time I was able to keep those negative thoughts to myself (this was HUGE for me!) because usually, I voice them loud and clear to him.
Like, come on!! Shouldn’t you know what type of flowers I love after all these years!!
OH….and when we were first married, he bought me the most gorgeous flowers, which I love to remind him about all the time, but as our married years became greater, the flowers started having flaws in them…which, I’m sure (which I know!) had more to do with me, than him, because my life stress was (and can still!) cloud my beauty-in-ALL-flowers-that-my-husband-gets-me vision!
But then, the next day, something spoke to me from within as I kept looking at them.
Because they really did look SO nice in my mason jars that I placed by the sink so I could look at them while I was constantly washing dishes throughout the day.
I was LOVING that nothing else was hiding their beauty (like the extra leaves and baby’s breath that D always gets with them and how that’s why I don’t like all those the added fillers because I feel like it takes away from the beauty of the main flowers) while I’d wash the dishes real quick.
But then, during one of my quick dishwashing moments, I had a thought, “I’m going to take pictures of them!”
And I was like…
“YEAH!! I’m going to take pictures of them!!
I haven’t done that in SO long! I’m doing it…but, man, I wish they were pink!
Pink would show up SO much better in pictures!
And, man…since they were shipped from Equador (since he bought them from The Bouqs) they look kinda wilted…kinda like they’re already starting to die already!
Ugh!!”
See…I was still thinking of negative thoughts!
OMG, RENEE!! STOP THAT!!! NOW!!!!
So on Monday (or was it Tuesday!…I can’t even remember!! Mom brain! Ha!) I blew the dust off my DSLR camera and I brought them outside and I was starting to feel excited about doing this again.
Because I’ve ALWAYS loved getting flowers and then taking pictures of them with my DSLR camera.
I’ve always loved getting all their angles and their details and how when I do that the stressful thoughts in my mind quiet and then I start thinking about how beautiful flowers are and just how perfectly detailed they are and how all of nature is absolutely beautiful in this way and that we humans are beautiful in this way, too!
That I AM BEAUTIFUL in this way, too…because I can forget…A LOT!!
I always LOVE how flowers remind me of this every single time!
They lift me up and they remind me to smile…because, to me, they always look like that’s what they’re doing…looking up and smiling!
And when I’m feeling stressed (and I definitely AM right now because it’s not easy living that quarantine life right now and my mind is going a mile-a-minute) they stop me in my tracks and make me smile.
They remind me that I’m going too fast…that I need to slow down and take a deep breath and to FOCUS on ALL the BEAUTY that surrounds me, even when I’m stressed-out to the max!!
And that THAT beauty will get me through the stressful moments I’m having.
So as I started snapping and seeing all their beautiful details, I first started thinking about how I should have taken these pictures the day I got them because they looked like they were wilting even more and not as fresh as I’d like them to be for pictures.
But soon…those thoughts started to change!
I started to SEE all their beauty.
I started to SEE their FRESH beauty AND their WILTED beauty!
I started LOVING how their white color actually wasn’t so white everywhere. That as they opened up, they looked a bit peachy inside and then how as the outside petals started to open more and look more wilted little bits of green started to shine through.
And then I started remembering how I absolutely LOVED how the insides of flowers are SO perfectly detailed and aligned and how everything in nature is SO beautifully detailed and aligned!
And then I started remembering how stopping to look at flowers through my lens in this way ALWAYS brings me SO much comfort and soothes my soul.
Those thoughts of how I wish they were pink…GONE!!!
Those thoughts of how I wish my husband knew what kind of flowers to buy me that I would absolutely LOVE and would make me FEEL 100% INNER JOY after 16 years of marriage!!!…GONE!!)
All I was thinking about is how I could stay out there all day just admiring their beauty in this way and how good it felt to be out my head and back in my heart.
I realized that it’s been way too long since I’ve bought myself flowers every week at the grocery store and that when this quarantine life ends and I get back to the grocery store again (my husband has been going all these months!) that I will stop at the flowers and I will buy some and then I will come home and take pictures of them (because I’ve looked at them, or shall I say, glanced at them…but I kept walking by!)
I realized that because I have been way too deep in the stress and criticism of my mind that I’ve been not only missing the beauty that natures provide but the life messages they fill me with while I’m admiring every detail of them.
That life is meant to BE slowed and SAVORed and that I can’t let my stress and my fast-paced mom life get in the way of that anymore...like I have for the past few years or so.
I realized that when I finally allow myself to (or make myself!!) STOP and SAVOR all the beauty that nature illuminates, I’m ALWAYS moved to tears because nature ALWAYS makes me FEEL peace inside of myself and after 10 years of being a mom, it can be hard to FEEL that inner peace that lives inside of me.
I realized that my mom life is moving way faster than I realized and that I’ve allowed it to disconnect me way more than I’d like to be from the present moment.
So when I step outside and look at the trees flowing the wind or I buy myself flowers each week at the grocery store and take pictures of them the more I immediately FEEL the inner peace that lives inside of me AND the inner peace that lives outside of me!
And the more I can keep connected to the FEELING of the inner peace that lives inside of me and the FEELING of the inner peace that lives outside of me when I’m FEEL very stressful and overwhelming and frazzled…the less negative and critical I’ll be!
NATURE ALWAYS HELPS CALM MY INNER FRAZZLE AND INNER NEGATIVITY!
ALWAYS!!!
SO I HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT WHEN I’M GETTING WAY TOO CRITICAL AND WAY TOO NEGATIVE (ESPECIALLY ABOUT NATURE!!) THAT’S A SIGN THAT I NEED TO STOP AND GO CONNECT TO NATURE IN ANY WAY THAT I CAN!
My husband did SO good with getting me these beautiful, white roses (not pink!!) because man, they stirred up something in my soul and connected me to a SOUL moving message that I needed to hear BIG TIME…that it’s time to slow down, to stop, to breathe deeply and to take time (daily!) to connect to the BEAUTY IS EVERYWHERE!!
Even in the fresh and the wilted.
And when times start to FEEL very overwhelming, frazzled and VERY stressful and like I’m being pulled down…way down…like I’m wilting away…I need to remember that those feelings are reminders for me to stop what I’m doing and to go look at my flowers in my mason jar (or go outside in the fresh air when the kids don’t need me in that moment) and look UP and smile!!
Because the more I look UP and smile…the more FRESH I’ll feel and the more I’ll be able to handle all the moments that make me feel wilted in a much better way!
And if it wasn’t for those moments that make feel wilted, I’d never know what it truly feels like to FEEL FRESH and happy!!
So I thank you, D, for getting me these beautiful white roses that showed me how badly that I needed to get out my negative and critical head and into my heart so I can SEE (and FEEL!) all the BEAUTY in EVERY single type of flower you bring home for me!
I AM SOUL GRATEFUL AND THANKFUL that you chose to get me these white roses for Mother’s Day because these beauties triggered something within me!!
They helped me get past my mental-stuck-funk by triggering something in me to go pick up my DSLR camera again because doing that showed me how negative and critical I’ve been all these years and that I’ve been allowing my negativity and critical thoughts to take over my beauty thoughts for way too long!!
Because not only did I SEE and connect to their FRESH beauty but I also connected to their WILTED beauty, too!
I had NO idea that was doing to happen when I first picked up my camera! I thought I was just going to get my creative photography juices again for my blog!
But, gosh, most of all these flowers showed me that there is beauty inside of me even when I’m feeling FRESH and WILTED, too!
They showed me that you LOVE me even when I’m FEELING more wilted (which causes my negativity to shine more than I’d like to!) than FRESH (which has me telling you more of how I love EVERYTHING that you do for me and the kids!) and I AM SOUL GRATEFUL for YOU for that!!
You are my SOUL MATE!! 100%!!!
And THANK YOU white roses!!
You reminded me of how I’m ALWAYS reminded that it’s not just the flowers that are beautiful, that EVERYTHING in life that’s beautiful!
That there’s beauty in the storm and the sunshine!!
And humans are part of EVERYTHING!!!
I AM human and I AM beautiful…flaws and all!
I can’t thank you enough D, for loving ALL (the fresh and the withered!) of me…even when I’ve been SO critical and negative about the flowers you buy for me for way too long!
I AM ready to move forward in this beautiful way and to keep this reminder inside my heart and my head no matter how crazy and overwhelming my mom life gets!!
I WILL SEE THE BEAUTY in EVERYTHING!!
And when I slip up, I’ll remind myself to look back on this post and to get back on track again (and to buy myself some flowers!)
Because I AM HUMAN…and HUMANS do slip up! :)
But…I WILL NOT go back to how I was before this moment (not seeing the beauty in every color of the fresh and not seeing the beauty in every color of the wilted).
I WILL SEE ALL THE BEAUTY IN EVERY COLOR OF THE FRESH and
I WILL SEE ALL THE BEAUTY IN EVERY COLOR OF THE WILTED!!!
Wow!
When I look back on this moment and what came through before and during this blog post, I realized that there is SO much beauty in the new and in the fresh AND there’s SO much beauty in the old and withered, too!
And wow, I was stuck in major negative thinking before this!!
And by getting the nudge to take pictures of these white roses pulled me out of my mental, negative funk.
It showed me how blinded I’ve been to beauty.
It showed me that the white roses were actually very soothing and that even though they were withering a bit…they are still VERY beautiful!
And even though I feel withered…very withered…I AM still beautiful, too!
And if it wasn’t for Damian or my camera, I would have never connected to this beautiful, powerful and amazing message (from spirit…from God!).
If hadn’t listed to that nudge…that inner desire within me to take pictures of the flowers like I used to for me and for the blog, I would have still been looking at them, thinking in my head, how I wished they were pink instead of white and no-so withered looking.
OMG!!!
What a WAKE-UP call!!!
I AM SOUL GRATEFUL for this reminder and for my HUGE wake up call!!
I AM forever changed when it comes to looking at ALL flowers, now!!
SOUL NEEDED!
Absolutely SOUL NEEDED!!
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!
Until next time…
See something that makes you stop and smile. Grab your camera!! It'll slow you down, pull you into the present moment even more and have you SAVORing your JOY feeling even more!! And most of all, it will allow you to SEE and FEEL JOY that you may have passed by (like the beauty in fresh and wilted flowers!). The camera...it's powerful...especially when it comes to JOY! :)
That's WHY I take pictures!! The camera is one of my favorite creative tools that easily pulls me outta my frazzled + overwhelmed mom head so I can fully SAVOR (the feeling of) everything that makes me stop, smile and lights me UP with LOVE (something that's hard for me to do when my mind is running 100 miles ahead or behind the present moment)
Who YOU are is what YOU love...SAVOR IT! :)
