I’m Trying to Keep My Smile Up

When Luca gets upset, sometimes he says to me “I’m trying to keep my smile up but I can’t.”

When he says that to me I can’t help but smile and be reminded of how he was born smiling.

He was smiling when we saw him at my 36-week ultrasound appointment!

I’m not even kidding!! Oh my gosh!! I had no idea then that smiling would be is #1 personality trait! And oh my gosh…it’s AMAZING to witness!

As a baby, and even today, at 7-years-old, when he gets upset he can’t stop smiling.

I’d be changing his diaper and he’d try SO hard to NOT cry. The tears were flowing, but I could just see that he was doing everything he could to not turn his frown upside down. It was absolutely AMAZING!!

Like he just didn’t want his sad face to come through because he wanted his smile to stay there and never leave.

He still does this today.

He’ll get mad and upset, but then a few minutes later, while he’s still (very loudly!) expressing his anger and his sadness, his smile starts to shine through, even though he’s shedding tears and telling us what’s upsetting him.

And once his sadness passes he immediately switches back to his happy, smiling self and you’d never think he had been upset.

It always amazes me and reminds me that I need to do the same! Every single time!

I always tell him he was born smiling!

It’s definitely one of his unique gifts that he was born with!

But sometimes, when he’s so upset and he says those words to me, “I’m trying to keep my smile up but I can’t” I have to remind him that it’s OK to feel upset.

I have to remind him that it’s OK to not smile in a moment that is causing him anger, frustration, sadness and hurt and that all of those feelings are 100% normal and are 100% part of who we are as human beings and that everyone feels those feelings at certain times, too.

I have to remind him to FEEL those angry and upset feelings…to let them out with tears…to cry…to stomp his feet…to punch or scream into a pillow…and that once he does, the anger and the sadness and the hurt will pass and not feel so strong and then he’ll be back to having his smile UP again!

And I have to remind him that his smile is always UP…even when he is upset (which he has always shown since he was born!) and that it never goes away.

Everyone always asks us, “Does Luca always smile?”

And then I remind myself of the same!

Especially right now in life.

Since quarantine life started, I knew deep within me, that I had to do everything I could keep my smile UP!

Not only for me but for my kids, too…because my energy and thoughts create their energy and thoughts right now!

I knew that I had to do everything I could to keep myself out of my fearful and worrisome thoughts by doing ALL the things that I know will help keep me UPlifted in joy and higher-level thinking during this time.

Dance walking on my treadmill…getting back to blogging…doodling the word love…doodle painting…joy journaling…listening to Michael Bernard Beckwith every Sunday at Agape…dancing to music I love…reading romance novels…going outside for bike rides and walks…playing with our dog and so on!

And it’s been WONDERFUL at keeping my spirits up!

But, at the same time, I’m human and I have feelings that aren’t SO uplifting, too!

I have feelings of fear, worry, sadness and anger that aren’t keeping my smile up, too!

And just like I tell Luca, I tell myself, those feelings are 100% normal and 100% OK to have!

Like right now, I have a lot of fearful thoughts that have been coming up about the future of schools, because right now, I don’t know, I just feel that this virus is going to take some time to fully calm itself around the world.

It may not be as bad come August, but it’s still so unknown, and it’s still going to be here, so that makes me worry about sending my kids back to their schools.

And it makes me worry if they will go back or if they’ll still be doing online schooling with their teachers here at home.

And when I think about that I think about the stress of that and most of all, I think about how sad my kids are going to feel if that happens because all they talk about, especially Camille, is the first day of 6th grade and when can we go shopping for school supplies.

Both of my kids miss school and their friends SO much and it just breaks my heart.

So when I think about August, I’m a little fearful if it is going to a time when everything is safe and everyone can go back to their normal, 100%, schedules or if it’s going to still be very socially distant.

There’s just SO much up in the air and it can cause me to feel sad, angry, frustrated and full of fear, too!

BUT…just like I tell Luca…when it comes up for me, I sit with it (Well…I try to…because my kids interrupt me A LOT!! HA!), I feel it and I tell myself it will pass soon.

All of this will pass!

And once it does, everyone’s smiles will be UP!

But right now, even though fearful and worrisome thoughts come UP…there are SO many moments that shine in between the fear and worry moments that do have me keeping my smile UP (because UP and down moments and feelings is life!!)

The kids and I playing outside with our dog, Cider.

Beautiful spring sunny days that have me stopping in my tracks in my backyard because it’s absolutely soul-nourishing to hear the wind blow through the leaves of the trees and the birds singing their sweet, sweet tunes at the same time.

Enjoying rainy days snuggled up on the couch under a blanket.

Family bike rides around the neighborhood and stopping to see the turtles in the ditch.

Laughing and dancing with the kids before bedtime and Camille calling me cringy because my dance moves are embarrassing her. Ha!

Family dinners where we all talk about what we’re grateful for.

The kids baking cookies and cakes…pretty much every week! Ha!

Being in a birthday car parade and honking the horn over and over again while blasting birthday music and yelling out the window “happy birthday” to a fellow neighbor in our hood.

It’s these moments (and so many more!) that are keeping me UP and that keeps shining through when I’m feeling exhausted, worried, fearful and frustrated and like I’m losing my quarantine steam (and, boy….I’m definitely losing that steam…big time! Ha!).

But what I know for sure…especially in a time like this…is that life is full of UP moments and down moments!

That every single day there are UP moments and down moments.

And it’s OK to FEEL BOTH of them!!

It’s OK to smile UP and it’s OK to smile down.

And once I FEEL those feelings that are keeping me down…they WILL pass (they ALWAYS do!!) and then my smile is UP again!!

It’s how life works!!

And honestly…for me, I think it’s absolutely AMAZING how this virus has truly shown me just that!

It’s amazing how at one moment I can be feeling scared and worried…

as I see everyone out and about with masks on…because, yeah…it’s surreal and makes me feel like I’m in a movie…not real life!

And then the next moment I’m feeling happy and JOY…

as I see a car pass by that has streamers hanging on it which I’m sure is because they participated in a birthday parade or I see all the quarantine kindness that is spreading all around.

One minute my smile is UP and then then next it is down.

Oh…hello, life!

But, I know, that sometimes my smile may want to stay down for way longer than I want it to, and when that happens I have to do everything I can to get my smile back UP!

And that is WHY I knew, from the beginning of all of this, that I was determined to keep my smile UP!

Because it’s just too easy to keep my smile down!

But thank goodness the world is SO full of JOY and GOOD feeling moments when the not-so-good feeling moments want to stick around longer than needed!

Because now that I know this wisdom…

I never used too…I used to think if I was feeling sad or angry or worried or fearful there was something wrong with me…that I didn’t have a good life…that I just wasn’t born happy and that only certain people were and I wasn’t one of them…and that if something bad happened in my day meant my whole day was going to be bad….UMMM NOOOOO!!! Thank goodness I’ve grown in this way!! THANK GOODNESS!!

I know that when my smile is down that I need to let my tears flow…to cry it out, to talk about it, to write about it, to take some time to rest and to just do nothing and just BE with myself in this way for a few days or a few weeks until it passes and then once it does, moments will come again that’ll help me smile UP!

And, actually, they do ALWAYS come during those days and weeks where I’m must feeling lousy and low…I just have to look out for them a little bit more when I’m feeling lousy and low…because they’re there…even if my lousy and low thoughts and feelings don’t think they are! ;)

ALWAYS!!!

Oh, gosh!!

Words really can’t express how GRATEFUL I am that Luca chose me to be his mom and that he is here to remind me that even though when I’m feeling sad and my tears are flowing…my smile is UP underneath and it will be UP after I feel EVERY single FEELING that I’m feeling!

He has absolutely shown me this ever since he was born seven years ago and I AM SOUL, SOUL, GRATEFUL!!

I know he was born to share this message with me (and the world!)…

even though I don’t think he’s aware of this power he has within him just yet since I’m always reminding him that it’s OK to cry and not smile at times…but boy when he gets it…I do believe this is part of his purpose here on Earth! He is LIGHT (his name means light!)

because I know, for me (especially the child in me!), that I was in major need of knowing how important it is to FEEL all FEELINGS (good and not-so-good!) and that having ALL these feelings doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me…it just means I AM HUMAN!!

A 100% NORMAL AND BEAUTIFUL HUMAN who smiles UP and who smiles down!

Because…let me tell ya…it’s NOT normal to ONLY smile UP or to ONLY smile down 100% of the time! BOTH ways happen in life!

BOTH!

And, again…my boy!!

He is here to remind me that, YES!!, each and every day there will be moments throughout my day when it will be hard for me to keep my smile up…but once I truly feel them, they will pass, and then my smile will be UP again!

And that these UP and down moments will happen each and every day and over and over again as long as I’m human!

Because life IS up AND down!

I AM SOUL GRATEFUL for this much-needed reminder!!

Until next time…

Why do I hand letter uplifting words? Because it easily calms my mind, ignites my joy and slows me down so I can BE a more calm, happy + present mom (something that's hard to do when my mind is running 100 miles ahead or behind the present moment...especially during a global pandemic!) and truly focus on what matters most in life and all the GOOD that fills it!